The Clock On The Wall

I am swaddled in warm blankets like a mummy or a corpse there somewhere adrift, unsure of where.
I am neither awake nor asleep. I hear a quiet voice speak to me, call me by name.  "Lori, wake up."
I feel her hand on my head, warm and soft.  "Lori, open your eyes."  I lay there trying, knowing that I am in there somewhere, but I am cocooned and warm in that place.  My eyes slowly open to see her there close to me, a tear runs down my cheek.  "You're in the hospital.  You had to have surgery.  Are you in any pain?"  I shake my head no. I cannot move, all I want is ice chips, she tells me its too soon.  Another tear.  There is only she and I in the recovery room.   I look at the wall and the clock stares back at me.  It's 10:30pm.  That same tear still trickles slowly down my cheek, as I realized through that fog that I am utterly alone.

                                      TBC


Dave Matthews: "Take Me to Tomorrow" (Fretboard Journal photo shoot) from fretboardjournal on Vimeo.

This just in...... sort of

My friend Lynda posted this, which she says she normally doesn't do, and she doesn't but it spoke to her and seemed right to post. 

It hit me over the head too.. so I'm slapping it up here in case you haven't seen it before.  Maybe it'll turn on a couple of lights in some unlit corners in our lives.

I usually don't post quotes and the like because so many people do but I was thinking of people who are heroes and saw this:

“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.” **Ayn Rand 

"So many roads"...Jerry Garcia

Yup, I'm thinking the same thing.

                                                                      

                                                                  crave

I mentioned to Diane that the word for the week carve, kept popping in my mind as curve.  And tonight sitting here staring at a photo I had slapped up here, I decided crave fit too.  

Then I realized I don't have a blessed thing to say about any of them.  At least not thus far and wouldn't count on anything coming in the near future.

Crave, yes I crave peace.  I crave well being.  And I crave solitude.  

End of story

                                                      My Little List of Wonders 

Diane came up with a good idea about making lists... I think it's a good one since there are so many things we wonder about some real, some not.  It seems not to matter and then too, who do you ask about the things you wonder even if they seem to make sense.  My list isn't in any order of import or wonder... some are old, some new, some one my list of things I want to ask God when I see him,  some real, some very unreal.  Some things I shouldn't even be wondering at all.  Human enough, I still do.  


What's up with fire ants?  Why?

Why this man won't leave me alone?  

How the hell I am going to get out of the debt incurred trying to save my skin?

Why did I choose to save my life?

Why I have never gotten mad at God?

Why I am using questions marks at the end of each of these rather than a period, am I asking a question or simply making a statement?

What the sun does behind the those really cloudy days when the sky seems so low?

If I should go back to school.

If I should move.

Why my patience level runs so thin these days.

Why my heart seems so fragile along with my lack of patience.

Why my grief burns so much deeper now.

Is there really life somewhere "out there" in space?

Is there really life here?

Yes there really are mermaids.

That I never lose my sense of awe and wonder when I see the ocean each and every time.

How is it that I find so much there?

How close I am to God there by the water especially in the water.

How I survived living away from it.

What happened in my Mothers life to turn her into the nasty drunk she was.

Why my Charlie would write a song about me.

Who writes songs about women they meet?

What kind of man does that?

Why are souls are so connected.

Where those who confuse religion with God get their info.

Where the culture of "I deserve" came from.

Why we often fail to see what is truly important in our lives.

How does that happen?

Why we find it so incredibly difficult to accept unconditional love.

Why we so often see ourselves as unlovable.

Why mean ass people don't self implode and vanish from the face of the earth.

Where babies really come from.

Why Johnny's bread is so dang good.

How hard people struggle to avoid anything dying.

And then how they struggle to avoid living.

How they deem whose life is worth saving and who's is not.

How much music stirs my soul.

How much I love that feeling.

That every shell you see on the beach was at one time a living thing.

How we cannot accept that we are a host of contradictions.

What happens to us when we find ourselves truly hating ourselves.

Why men cheat.  Why women cheat.

Where are the angels really bowling when it's thundering.

I never wonder about angels because I know they exist.

Where the moon gets her beauty.

Why I am so taken with her beauty.

Why I hate it when it's really windy.

Why I am struggling again with my body image.

How I differentiate killing a bug from refusing to take something live from the water.

How we decide killing is okay.

What lengths will I go to save myself from myself.

Why I stopped making art.

When did I become old?

Why wasn't I warned?

Where does fat really go when you lose it?

Where is my other diamond earring?

Why I am still here.

How much I miss my Dad.  

Why I don't miss my husband as much as my Dad.

How I seem to see and understand things others don't.

Why some people can't and won't cook.

What happened to manners?

Why I don't shut up after telling myself to be quiet.  (in my head)

Why I talk  when I am nervous.

Why some people automatically repel me and make me run for the hills.

Why people like football.

How did the man who invented the shower do it... god bless him.

Same for indoor plumbing.

Why I am.

Why I save weird stuff.  i.e.  feathers, bird eggs, rocks et al.

Where my paper fetish came from.

Same for pens and pencils.

Where do socks go when they disappear?

What color my hair is.

How I can still be my own worst enemy.

Where does rain really come from.

Where am I?

What am I doing?

Why I ask myself that.

Why I feel like I am not.

Why I let things people say now get under my skin.

Where did my ability go to tell them they have so done.

Why it will bug the crap out of me until I beat it to death then let it go

Why I can't let go of some things

Especially things I wonder.

Why I still have the unending need to "understand" things that are close to my heart.

When the list will end.

I don't think it ever does.

Where I got the habit of saying something wonders me.

What I wanna be when I grow up.

Will I ever?

When will it all end?

                                        The Stability Ball

Balance.  Something of the utmost importance to me.  Both inside and out.
This is a stability ball.  Right now the most I can do on it, is manage to sit squarely without toppling over and am starting to lift one leg at a time, again without toppling over.  It's core work.  It's about maintaining and retraining your midsection to grow strong enough to support your body, keep it upright and straight.  Through the repetitive movements you rewire your brain to pattern the same movement.  Improving your balance while you are on your feet.  It's hard work.  But I need it and in the past two weeks I notice a difference.  This is a good thing.  (As an aside, I toppled over in church today, fortunately fell backward and ending up sitting down in the pew)

I don't know what balance looks like to other people, or how it feels.  For me balance is an inner sense that encompasses many things.  And I am overly sensitive to my own sense of inner balance.  When it is off, or I sense that it is off or even leaning that way, I struggle hard to upright myself.  To swing the pendulum back into even motion.  

There are things I do, almost ritually that I feel are needful for me to keep that, one is my morning quiet time.  I sit and write, talk and listen to what is going on with me both inner and outer aspects.  I may start to write in one place and end up where I need to be, in a very sensitive yet necessary subject I need to address and look at.  Again, for balance.  The other is my walks.  I know some people may say, "gee must be nice to go to the beach every day, swim and walk, collect crap...."  Yeah, sometimes my "work" at the beach is much more difficult than being employed.  For the most part it entails all inner work. It is that one place I go where I meet myself, God and the entire face of humanity.  It's not always happy nor easy, because there, I am naked to myself and to him.  My inner balance shifts at the water... I become more attuned to myself inside and how I relate to the world around me.  When I become extremely quiet, there I hear nothing.... but what nothing does is leaves room for God to speak.  And yes, sometimes I don't react immediately, to which he has a way of getting my full and complete attention.  But balance me it does.  Inside, where it is important.  When I am off balance I am prone to much discomfort.  I am edgy, unsure of myself, fearful and tend to withdraw.  I am protective about my inner life... that sense.  Despite not being visible to the eye, for me it is something so tangible that I can often feel like I can reach in and touch it... sometimes to soothe, or simply to keep company.

I realized this week a couple things.. that reek havoc on the, at times delicate balance of me... they both have to do with relationships.  they are both fear based, one is being weak, the other vulnerable.  For me they walk hand in hand.  I recognized those things before, but they came front and center this week again as my balance was sent for a minor teeter and I needed to sit and look at what really caused my sadness.  Once I saw that (in writing of course) I was able to understand it and acknowledge that is what throws me, in those situations. Now I can take that and rebalance those things.

I was reading a little short story tonight on KOM and the gal made a statement that she wanted to be touched with deep and reverent kindness.  Speaking about a relationship she was in.  Well, had just left.... that in the future what she was looking for was that... someone who could touch her in that way.  I found that to be most profound.  Scribbled it on my chalkboard.  And thought too, don't we all deserve that same thing.  To touch ourselves and to be touched that way, to treat ourselves with that very same gentleness and compassion.

Balance... it's the restoration thereof.  And beyond that stability ball for me, very likely lies that deep and reverent kindness.

Permit, Admit and all the rest of the mittere

Once in a while I like to look up words, because I'm a word freak.  Mittere the root of all the "mit" words we've been getting means to let go or to send.  In both cases these words was fitting suffixes... where in one we let in, allow to enter and the other we can do so much more... yet is more expressive. We tolerate, allow, afford opportunity, consent, agree to...et al.  Having said that, I'm going to allow-permit myself to beg off on this one, admittedly for a number of reasons.

I had the flu.  Still have too many remnants of it.  I started physical therapy at home.  My brain cells were sizzled.  Blah blah.

So in order to end the whole thing here... I let go of it all and begged off.  But like the two hot dogs in a pickup.

there is always a next time.

Renew?  Yes thank you!

I would love to.  Renew.  Something.  That's a question we are asked often.  Would you like to renew your card, your membership, your license tag.  Stuff, everyday stuff. We don't think much about it.  And the answer is most often a simple yes or no.  And then there this:

            All things made new again

A new cell, a tiny bit of invisible life.  This is a most special and precious cell.  Why?  One, because it is fractal, two because it is mine.  Looking closely you can see that there is perfect symmetry in the cell.  Something my body hasn't seen in all too long.  To my eye is holds tremendous beauty, it holds my life and all that is beautiful within that.  All that life hold contained in ones cells, those things that make us human.  Those same cells hold all of life, they reproduce, and give us that same ability.  They keep us whole, healthy and moving.  They take our breath and carry it to every single part of our bodies.  They nourish, bring us things unseen, unknown and quite necessary for life.  When things go wrong, for whatever reason they can turn on us, like an angry crowd and overwhelm us, knocking us off our feet and push us to the very ground we came from.  And that those tiny little bits of that which is unseen can keep us down and take us from this place we know as home.  

My bone marrow went on a trip somewhere and did not ask me to come along.  It was an extended vacation, it didn't tell me it was leaving or when and if it would return.  I could only wait. For many reasons I was unable to receive a transplant which would in all likelihood have taken my life rather than sustain it.  So I wait, and oh I waited. So very long. Last year I spoke words that I would probably would never had said.  "I am weary."  And I was.  Life as it, grew difficult and then things took a very wrong turn and the cascade effect from that would begin to raise hell, literally with my body...I was at war with myself. Unaware at the time but in retrospect it was me fighting against my self.. my outer self.  The house that contains my furniture.  The hair went, the kidneys started to follow, including my brain due to lack of the necessary oxygen those mighty little red cells carry to keep our synapses clicking.  My wiring isn't that hot to begin with.  My life slowed drastically, make changes accordingly and not happily, because I am stubborn, I refuse to give in and I wasn't done.  I struggled to still keep my life as normal as possible even though it was constantly adjusting to my changing and faltering self. Weary.  Yes, weary.  I just sighed. I found myself sad at times. Unlike me.  Things weren't getting done and I grew to a point where I really didn't care.  And then I avoiding doing.  That again, is not like me.  I didn't because I couldn't.  And it was and is still hard to me to spit those words out of my mouth.  Spit I did.  One day in early October, saving the  details Papa in all his graciousness flung in my lap a new Dr.  One who is holistic and he held for me the keys to the kingdom.  He did not lie, long road ahead of you, and it will take time.  I said it's all I have, seemingly... yet fully knowing that I could not live forever with red blood cells and a function marrow.  He patiently bathed my bald head with some natural remedies and baby hair grew over time.  A few changes to my diet, a tea to drink, a plant based vitamin and plant proteins.  And stem cells.  Two treatments a week to start.  They are painless and the only side effect is fatigue, but not bad. More restful like.  It is financially devastating. That I must admit.  And I just started round 5 last week.  I also went for my "big labs and studies"  And on friday a visit to the Dr.  While I felt good about things, I was still wary, I approach with hopeful caution.  And sitting there hearing those words, your labs are all normal.  All of them.  You cells are growing, healthy and reproducing, my ferritin is normal. Every single thing was normal. It didn't hit me until I got to the car...I was numb and dumbfounded, happily so.  I sat in my car and had the first on many meltdowns.  Not disbelief... but relief and release.  And yes, renewal.  I have been created anew.  Not reborn, remade perfect and whole.  I am still needful of treatment.  But the playing field I feel is at the least level.  I am more sure of my footing. He has given me yet again new life.  And I am renewed in body, my spirit is less ruffled and worried.... and there is calmness and peace.  I have been once again given and I continue  in each moment to give myself over to him.  For me it is what sustains me. The love of my friends who carried, dragged, pushed, pulled and just sat with me through that.  Their prayers. My friends from church, all young moms with families; Kate, Maggie and Teresa.  Many others but these women breathed for me when I could not.  Loved me when I failed to love myself.  And through this love that comes only from God, I am. Pure and simple. I am.  

Scattered?  Me?  Never......

I laughed when Diane pulled the word scatter, thinking how appropriate a word since that pretty much described my life is general at the moment.  Then it got better for a day, maybe two.  Then returned to its normative state... scattered.
Scatter reminded me of skitter, which is what Sushee the resident house gecko does when running across the tile floor to avoid my steps.  Skitter is a lot like scatter.
More to the point. This will not contain photos although I had thought about it  initially... but I'm in the time crunch and yes I am scattered.  I have been jotting scattered note all week about being scattered and what that means to me.  Today I sort of hit on something that all things considered sticks in several ways on several levels.
Technically and by definition scatter means to toss or throw carelessly, and the rest of the verbage you can go look up... but there are times when I think that scattering when done with an intent and clear purpose may not be so careless. When something we need to get rid of is purposefully thrown off and away, I wouldn't call that careless.  So many times I have done just that.  I reach in and mindfully give it a toss.  With great intent and purpose.  Careful not to launch at anyone else in my throwing.  
My mind wandered first to scatter rugs, which we never called them scatter rugs, we called them throw rugs... (see here is where a photo of a throw rug, bath mat etc would be a great visual, use your scattered imagination)  so, saying we call them scatter or throw rugs, how then do we get them where we intend for them to be?  Wad them up and toss them hoping they land in the general vicinity of where we want them?  Toss it like a cow chip?  Kind of flat grab by the corners aim and fling hoping to get it close enough to the line? Or just toss it down and then smooth it out with your feet.  No one bends over to put down a throw rug... say what you will.
Then I begin to think about my scattered mind.  How did it scatter?  Did I purposely and carelessly toss it?  Did I throw it?  And if I did, how did I do that?
What did I do to throw my thoughts, sense, emotions and whatever else was rolling around in there?  Did I reach in and grab a handful of mess blindly and just toss it?  throw it?  It's already scattered, so I'm scattering scattered stuff.  it's already scattered, so do I need to scatter it further?  I don't want it.  I don't need it.  i'd rather leave it lying there where I scattered the scattered mess and keep walking.  No need to regather, I'm thinking if I scattered it to begin with, it's something I not only do not want or need, but something that is not good for me and no need to recollect.  Doing so would leave me feeling scattered, which is not a verb, so I can not go that one.... maybe next year Diane will do adjectives.  Then I'll have a story ready for that word.  The odds slim to scattered that it would appear on the list.  
I guess my real point is that yes I am scattered much of the time, and yes I do toss that scattered nonsense out, off and away from me.  For the most part my mind is fertile soil, with the right amount of sun, water and food and seeds well sown, it at times will yield among the scatters things that are whole, beautiful and lovely.  And that like pulling weeds and pitching them, it is a necessary process to get in there and scatter the accumulated nonsense that bogs down and further scatters our already too crowded little brains.  

This had no beginning, middle or end... it is as the word says scattered.  words dispelled, dispersed and tossed about it a careless way.  but mindfully so.