The over the edge Eight

To start off with I am having a shit day.  Some days are shit, but it's just basic shit.  This has been a day from hell shit day.  I have a lot on my plate and not much of it seems palatable at the moment.  I am distressed and angry.  Neither of which suit me well, and I am not sure how to deal with these things.  The anger came from nowhere.   Excuse me, it came from somewhere inside me, from a place too deep to point at.  I had an acupuncture treatment after my 3 hours at the Dr. this morning to try and refocus.  It helped a lot.  I am now somewhere close to where Gordon is, standing in the middle of the flatland and not even interested enough to doodle in the dirt, not quite yet.  On that note.  Let me hop on my broom and fly through those things which I fear.

1.  Easy..... losing my independence because of my health.   I don't think that even needs an explanation.

2.  Not having a roof over my head.  My fear of not being able to provide for myself.  Because historically it did happen to me after my husband died.  And although since then, I have bought a home totally of my own, on my own, by myself.  I fear perhaps unrealistically it happening again.

3.  At times, lately, my own anger that seems to be surfacing.  That I know I need to address.

4.  Brown recluse spiders

5.  Crying in front of others.... I'm maybe not afraid of that, it's uncomfortable for me, let me rephrase it,

losing control crying in fronts.  

6.  Losing control

7.  memory failure

8.  Wasps, hornets and things that sting unmercifully.

That's it.... that was a huge stretch for me tonight especially.  I'm not really afraid of a lot of things.  And my biggest ones are all sort of looped together in one long strand.  A domino sort of thing.  One thing I could add which probably is at the top of the list... is not being able to get to the water... to see the ocean, to touch it, to be there.  It is the one place in my life that I feel totally plugged in and at peace and present before Papa.  It feeds my soul.  

I'm done.  Tomorrow's another day.  And prayerfully a better one.

Nine Things I Love

In accordance with the scriptures I am doing my Monday duty and writing nine things I love.  This one is a tough one, it's tough to narrow down only nine.  Maybe.... maybe not.   Well that said, let me see how I do.

1.  God (that was easy) aka Papa.
2.  The ocean (because God lives there)
3.  The beach (because it's with the ocean and God is there too) including all the treasure I find.
4.  My life
5.  Music music music....
6.  My church
7.  Writing with paper and pen, anything paper... moleskine
8.   Coffee and a smoke cognac and a cigar with my cousin
9.   My friends


See now I didn't get to list my two nephews.   All the beauty that lives in the ocean, rescuing baby sea turtles, swimming with manatees, swimming in general.... The sun and the moon and their co-dependent relationship.  Kissing.  Teaching.  Playing guitar with my nephew and my friends... mainly my nephew.
Learning.  Reading.  Enough..... I've said enough.  I have enough, I am enough.

Day 1 of # 10 Challenge- Secrets.

Mindy had this great idea and doing it over the course of 10 weeks is even cooler.  This weeks topic is secrets.  And as I'm walking on the beach a little while ago getting rained on, trying to think, exactly what secrets do I have?  And does half knowledge count... then I'm thinking well, this is more like self disclosure.  Which I have huge issues with.  So accordingly, I'll make that secret #1.

1.  Self disclosure-  while I am absolutely very verbal, I am also very touchy about self disclosure  and protecting my privacy.  I will tell what I want you to know.  Which to leads to #2.

2.  I am sicker than I tell people.  There are people, yes even friends  and family,  that are clueless about what is going on with me.  I do this for several reasons.  I never ever want to be seen as a "sick" person.  I am healthy person who has a life threatening and life limiting illness.  Period.  I am not my disease.

3.  Last year someone I know and cared deeply about physically assaulted me.  No one else knows except my clergy and the psychologist I went to after the fact.  It happened  right around the time I started my treatment.  This round of chemo caused me to be depressed.  So the Dr.  put me on Prozac.  That's how I ended up at the psychologist.  She never really addressed the issue.  I am (was) a nurse, I have a BA in psych and an MA in Theology.  Nothing prepares you for something like that.  It's freaking humiliating.

4.  I ran off and got married after I graduated from high school.  My parents had the marriage annulled by the family lawyer.  I was 17,  just turned, and on my way to college.  So was he, we thought it was practical.

5.  Food stamps?  Yup.  Bankruptcy?  That too.  Live on 180.00 a month?  uh-huh.  Friends put roof over head so I can live?  Yep.  My husbands illness and death devastated us.  I was sick too, and unable to take care of myself.  That whole experience taught my independent little ass, that was always giving and doing for others how to receive and do it graciously.

6.  I tell people I am fine when I am not.  My Dad loved to point that one out.  And I say I don't care when I do.  Although, sometimes I actually don't care.  That confuses people.

7.  My mother was a drunk.  I come from a family (on her side) of drunks.  And I hate dealing with drunks.  I can co dependent bull shit and mile and run like a maniac, because I hate it that much.

8.  For as flip as I am and as bad as my mouth can get (it's better than it was), I am deeply rooted spiritually.  I am not religious.  I am spiritual.  I am deeply connected to God and he is the only thing that matters truly in my life.  And I don't believe in the triune.  As it stands.  And I'm not even going to qualify it.

9.  Relating to the above, I am a first class introvert, all the way.  I do alone extremely.  I am happy alone.  I love being alone.  Enough said.

10.  I really wasn't wearing underwear when I was sitting in the bar at Breakers talking to Dave Matthews.... I simply forgot to put them on.  Yes I was wearing a dress.  Yes he really does have the softest hands.  (And the sweetest face)