Renew?  Yes thank you!

I would love to.  Renew.  Something.  That's a question we are asked often.  Would you like to renew your card, your membership, your license tag.  Stuff, everyday stuff. We don't think much about it.  And the answer is most often a simple yes or no.  And then there this:

            All things made new again

A new cell, a tiny bit of invisible life.  This is a most special and precious cell.  Why?  One, because it is fractal, two because it is mine.  Looking closely you can see that there is perfect symmetry in the cell.  Something my body hasn't seen in all too long.  To my eye is holds tremendous beauty, it holds my life and all that is beautiful within that.  All that life hold contained in ones cells, those things that make us human.  Those same cells hold all of life, they reproduce, and give us that same ability.  They keep us whole, healthy and moving.  They take our breath and carry it to every single part of our bodies.  They nourish, bring us things unseen, unknown and quite necessary for life.  When things go wrong, for whatever reason they can turn on us, like an angry crowd and overwhelm us, knocking us off our feet and push us to the very ground we came from.  And that those tiny little bits of that which is unseen can keep us down and take us from this place we know as home.  

My bone marrow went on a trip somewhere and did not ask me to come along.  It was an extended vacation, it didn't tell me it was leaving or when and if it would return.  I could only wait. For many reasons I was unable to receive a transplant which would in all likelihood have taken my life rather than sustain it.  So I wait, and oh I waited. So very long. Last year I spoke words that I would probably would never had said.  "I am weary."  And I was.  Life as it, grew difficult and then things took a very wrong turn and the cascade effect from that would begin to raise hell, literally with my body...I was at war with myself. Unaware at the time but in retrospect it was me fighting against my self.. my outer self.  The house that contains my furniture.  The hair went, the kidneys started to follow, including my brain due to lack of the necessary oxygen those mighty little red cells carry to keep our synapses clicking.  My wiring isn't that hot to begin with.  My life slowed drastically, make changes accordingly and not happily, because I am stubborn, I refuse to give in and I wasn't done.  I struggled to still keep my life as normal as possible even though it was constantly adjusting to my changing and faltering self. Weary.  Yes, weary.  I just sighed. I found myself sad at times. Unlike me.  Things weren't getting done and I grew to a point where I really didn't care.  And then I avoiding doing.  That again, is not like me.  I didn't because I couldn't.  And it was and is still hard to me to spit those words out of my mouth.  Spit I did.  One day in early October, saving the  details Papa in all his graciousness flung in my lap a new Dr.  One who is holistic and he held for me the keys to the kingdom.  He did not lie, long road ahead of you, and it will take time.  I said it's all I have, seemingly... yet fully knowing that I could not live forever with red blood cells and a function marrow.  He patiently bathed my bald head with some natural remedies and baby hair grew over time.  A few changes to my diet, a tea to drink, a plant based vitamin and plant proteins.  And stem cells.  Two treatments a week to start.  They are painless and the only side effect is fatigue, but not bad. More restful like.  It is financially devastating. That I must admit.  And I just started round 5 last week.  I also went for my "big labs and studies"  And on friday a visit to the Dr.  While I felt good about things, I was still wary, I approach with hopeful caution.  And sitting there hearing those words, your labs are all normal.  All of them.  You cells are growing, healthy and reproducing, my ferritin is normal. Every single thing was normal. It didn't hit me until I got to the car...I was numb and dumbfounded, happily so.  I sat in my car and had the first on many meltdowns.  Not disbelief... but relief and release.  And yes, renewal.  I have been created anew.  Not reborn, remade perfect and whole.  I am still needful of treatment.  But the playing field I feel is at the least level.  I am more sure of my footing. He has given me yet again new life.  And I am renewed in body, my spirit is less ruffled and worried.... and there is calmness and peace.  I have been once again given and I continue  in each moment to give myself over to him.  For me it is what sustains me. The love of my friends who carried, dragged, pushed, pulled and just sat with me through that.  Their prayers. My friends from church, all young moms with families; Kate, Maggie and Teresa.  Many others but these women breathed for me when I could not.  Loved me when I failed to love myself.  And through this love that comes only from God, I am. Pure and simple. I am.