The Stability Ball

Balance.  Something of the utmost importance to me.  Both inside and out.
This is a stability ball.  Right now the most I can do on it, is manage to sit squarely without toppling over and am starting to lift one leg at a time, again without toppling over.  It's core work.  It's about maintaining and retraining your midsection to grow strong enough to support your body, keep it upright and straight.  Through the repetitive movements you rewire your brain to pattern the same movement.  Improving your balance while you are on your feet.  It's hard work.  But I need it and in the past two weeks I notice a difference.  This is a good thing.  (As an aside, I toppled over in church today, fortunately fell backward and ending up sitting down in the pew)

I don't know what balance looks like to other people, or how it feels.  For me balance is an inner sense that encompasses many things.  And I am overly sensitive to my own sense of inner balance.  When it is off, or I sense that it is off or even leaning that way, I struggle hard to upright myself.  To swing the pendulum back into even motion.  

There are things I do, almost ritually that I feel are needful for me to keep that, one is my morning quiet time.  I sit and write, talk and listen to what is going on with me both inner and outer aspects.  I may start to write in one place and end up where I need to be, in a very sensitive yet necessary subject I need to address and look at.  Again, for balance.  The other is my walks.  I know some people may say, "gee must be nice to go to the beach every day, swim and walk, collect crap...."  Yeah, sometimes my "work" at the beach is much more difficult than being employed.  For the most part it entails all inner work. It is that one place I go where I meet myself, God and the entire face of humanity.  It's not always happy nor easy, because there, I am naked to myself and to him.  My inner balance shifts at the water... I become more attuned to myself inside and how I relate to the world around me.  When I become extremely quiet, there I hear nothing.... but what nothing does is leaves room for God to speak.  And yes, sometimes I don't react immediately, to which he has a way of getting my full and complete attention.  But balance me it does.  Inside, where it is important.  When I am off balance I am prone to much discomfort.  I am edgy, unsure of myself, fearful and tend to withdraw.  I am protective about my inner life... that sense.  Despite not being visible to the eye, for me it is something so tangible that I can often feel like I can reach in and touch it... sometimes to soothe, or simply to keep company.

I realized this week a couple things.. that reek havoc on the, at times delicate balance of me... they both have to do with relationships.  they are both fear based, one is being weak, the other vulnerable.  For me they walk hand in hand.  I recognized those things before, but they came front and center this week again as my balance was sent for a minor teeter and I needed to sit and look at what really caused my sadness.  Once I saw that (in writing of course) I was able to understand it and acknowledge that is what throws me, in those situations. Now I can take that and rebalance those things.

I was reading a little short story tonight on KOM and the gal made a statement that she wanted to be touched with deep and reverent kindness.  Speaking about a relationship she was in.  Well, had just left.... that in the future what she was looking for was that... someone who could touch her in that way.  I found that to be most profound.  Scribbled it on my chalkboard.  And thought too, don't we all deserve that same thing.  To touch ourselves and to be touched that way, to treat ourselves with that very same gentleness and compassion.

Balance... it's the restoration thereof.  And beyond that stability ball for me, very likely lies that deep and reverent kindness.