Renew?  Yes thank you!

I would love to.  Renew.  Something.  That's a question we are asked often.  Would you like to renew your card, your membership, your license tag.  Stuff, everyday stuff. We don't think much about it.  And the answer is most often a simple yes or no.  And then there this:

            All things made new again

A new cell, a tiny bit of invisible life.  This is a most special and precious cell.  Why?  One, because it is fractal, two because it is mine.  Looking closely you can see that there is perfect symmetry in the cell.  Something my body hasn't seen in all too long.  To my eye is holds tremendous beauty, it holds my life and all that is beautiful within that.  All that life hold contained in ones cells, those things that make us human.  Those same cells hold all of life, they reproduce, and give us that same ability.  They keep us whole, healthy and moving.  They take our breath and carry it to every single part of our bodies.  They nourish, bring us things unseen, unknown and quite necessary for life.  When things go wrong, for whatever reason they can turn on us, like an angry crowd and overwhelm us, knocking us off our feet and push us to the very ground we came from.  And that those tiny little bits of that which is unseen can keep us down and take us from this place we know as home.  

My bone marrow went on a trip somewhere and did not ask me to come along.  It was an extended vacation, it didn't tell me it was leaving or when and if it would return.  I could only wait. For many reasons I was unable to receive a transplant which would in all likelihood have taken my life rather than sustain it.  So I wait, and oh I waited. So very long. Last year I spoke words that I would probably would never had said.  "I am weary."  And I was.  Life as it, grew difficult and then things took a very wrong turn and the cascade effect from that would begin to raise hell, literally with my body...I was at war with myself. Unaware at the time but in retrospect it was me fighting against my self.. my outer self.  The house that contains my furniture.  The hair went, the kidneys started to follow, including my brain due to lack of the necessary oxygen those mighty little red cells carry to keep our synapses clicking.  My wiring isn't that hot to begin with.  My life slowed drastically, make changes accordingly and not happily, because I am stubborn, I refuse to give in and I wasn't done.  I struggled to still keep my life as normal as possible even though it was constantly adjusting to my changing and faltering self. Weary.  Yes, weary.  I just sighed. I found myself sad at times. Unlike me.  Things weren't getting done and I grew to a point where I really didn't care.  And then I avoiding doing.  That again, is not like me.  I didn't because I couldn't.  And it was and is still hard to me to spit those words out of my mouth.  Spit I did.  One day in early October, saving the  details Papa in all his graciousness flung in my lap a new Dr.  One who is holistic and he held for me the keys to the kingdom.  He did not lie, long road ahead of you, and it will take time.  I said it's all I have, seemingly... yet fully knowing that I could not live forever with red blood cells and a function marrow.  He patiently bathed my bald head with some natural remedies and baby hair grew over time.  A few changes to my diet, a tea to drink, a plant based vitamin and plant proteins.  And stem cells.  Two treatments a week to start.  They are painless and the only side effect is fatigue, but not bad. More restful like.  It is financially devastating. That I must admit.  And I just started round 5 last week.  I also went for my "big labs and studies"  And on friday a visit to the Dr.  While I felt good about things, I was still wary, I approach with hopeful caution.  And sitting there hearing those words, your labs are all normal.  All of them.  You cells are growing, healthy and reproducing, my ferritin is normal. Every single thing was normal. It didn't hit me until I got to the car...I was numb and dumbfounded, happily so.  I sat in my car and had the first on many meltdowns.  Not disbelief... but relief and release.  And yes, renewal.  I have been created anew.  Not reborn, remade perfect and whole.  I am still needful of treatment.  But the playing field I feel is at the least level.  I am more sure of my footing. He has given me yet again new life.  And I am renewed in body, my spirit is less ruffled and worried.... and there is calmness and peace.  I have been once again given and I continue  in each moment to give myself over to him.  For me it is what sustains me. The love of my friends who carried, dragged, pushed, pulled and just sat with me through that.  Their prayers. My friends from church, all young moms with families; Kate, Maggie and Teresa.  Many others but these women breathed for me when I could not.  Loved me when I failed to love myself.  And through this love that comes only from God, I am. Pure and simple. I am.  

Scattered?  Me?  Never......

I laughed when Diane pulled the word scatter, thinking how appropriate a word since that pretty much described my life is general at the moment.  Then it got better for a day, maybe two.  Then returned to its normative state... scattered.
Scatter reminded me of skitter, which is what Sushee the resident house gecko does when running across the tile floor to avoid my steps.  Skitter is a lot like scatter.
More to the point. This will not contain photos although I had thought about it  initially... but I'm in the time crunch and yes I am scattered.  I have been jotting scattered note all week about being scattered and what that means to me.  Today I sort of hit on something that all things considered sticks in several ways on several levels.
Technically and by definition scatter means to toss or throw carelessly, and the rest of the verbage you can go look up... but there are times when I think that scattering when done with an intent and clear purpose may not be so careless. When something we need to get rid of is purposefully thrown off and away, I wouldn't call that careless.  So many times I have done just that.  I reach in and mindfully give it a toss.  With great intent and purpose.  Careful not to launch at anyone else in my throwing.  
My mind wandered first to scatter rugs, which we never called them scatter rugs, we called them throw rugs... (see here is where a photo of a throw rug, bath mat etc would be a great visual, use your scattered imagination)  so, saying we call them scatter or throw rugs, how then do we get them where we intend for them to be?  Wad them up and toss them hoping they land in the general vicinity of where we want them?  Toss it like a cow chip?  Kind of flat grab by the corners aim and fling hoping to get it close enough to the line? Or just toss it down and then smooth it out with your feet.  No one bends over to put down a throw rug... say what you will.
Then I begin to think about my scattered mind.  How did it scatter?  Did I purposely and carelessly toss it?  Did I throw it?  And if I did, how did I do that?
What did I do to throw my thoughts, sense, emotions and whatever else was rolling around in there?  Did I reach in and grab a handful of mess blindly and just toss it?  throw it?  It's already scattered, so I'm scattering scattered stuff.  it's already scattered, so do I need to scatter it further?  I don't want it.  I don't need it.  i'd rather leave it lying there where I scattered the scattered mess and keep walking.  No need to regather, I'm thinking if I scattered it to begin with, it's something I not only do not want or need, but something that is not good for me and no need to recollect.  Doing so would leave me feeling scattered, which is not a verb, so I can not go that one.... maybe next year Diane will do adjectives.  Then I'll have a story ready for that word.  The odds slim to scattered that it would appear on the list.  
I guess my real point is that yes I am scattered much of the time, and yes I do toss that scattered nonsense out, off and away from me.  For the most part my mind is fertile soil, with the right amount of sun, water and food and seeds well sown, it at times will yield among the scatters things that are whole, beautiful and lovely.  And that like pulling weeds and pitching them, it is a necessary process to get in there and scatter the accumulated nonsense that bogs down and further scatters our already too crowded little brains.  

This had no beginning, middle or end... it is as the word says scattered.  words dispelled, dispersed and tossed about it a careless way.  but mindfully so.

Two Songs

Chuckle....... you have to be joking.... only two........
One was tough and a toss up for a variety of reasons, they both speak to me, on different levels.  And one enough to make me want to pick up my guitar and start playing again.

1.  Dreaming Tree- David J. Matthews

My second choice was even tougher once again, because of my love of so many songs.... from my youth , my distant past..... and on and on...... but there was one I have always loved... oop make that two again that I  can listen to and find deep meaning in both and both speak to me about God, life and love.  A hope of how things should be, but sometimes are and then, hope again and a reminder.

2.  Grace- U2 written by Paul Hewson aka Bono

If you don't do anything else, listen to the lyrics of Grace.  My other choice by U2 was One.  Always been a winner for me and I love the One campaign and MDG's.

Lights out Gracie.

Getting Down To The Wire- Three Films

The word films implies a little something more that "just a movie"..... and God knows there are some bad movies out there.  Which explains why I don't watch many, the ones I do like tend to be older ones.  Blah blah.
But I'm going to make my list and then throw some add ons in.

1.  Moonstruck- film? Nope.  But it has love, opera, crazy Italians and things I could relate to in my life.

2.  City of Angels- the original subtitled starring Peter Falk... dang good movie.  I like the newer one too, because I like the music from it.

3.  The Mission- just because


Now, having said those  I like anything Robin Williams is in... if you haven't seen What Dreams May Come.... buckle in... it's a ride.  He's versatile, talented and a little underrated as an actor.  He's been in some great movies.
Meet Joe Black.  I never liked Brad Pitt until I saw that movie.  I like Anthony Hopkins and ended up watching it accidently.... I still like it.  I love the end.
Pulp Fiction- I like Travolta dance which leads me to Michael... another one that's got it all, love, God, dancing, music and a dog.  What else is there?  And Aretha singing Chain of Fools and Travolta dancing, oh and pie.....
Boondock Saints- don't even ask.  It's just good.
Silence of the Lambs
Children of a Lesser God..... great movie.
Anything southern..... Steel Magnolias, The Color Purple, Fried Green Tomatoes
Most DeNiro films

What I have not seen:  The Titanic, Gangs of NY, anything out in the last 5 years..... I don't like going to movie theaters.  I don't like remakes of classics, colorized versions and scary movies.  I don't like Sci-Fi.

and thus endeth the list.

Four Reads

Tough one.... so I have to wing it..... I love books and love to read.  But I'm picky.  Duh.

1.  Velvet Elvis- Rob Bell

2.  The Book Thief-Markus Zusak

3.  The New Union Prayer Book- Reformed Jewish Prayer Book

4.  Conversations With God- Donald Neale Walsh Books 1, 2 &3

I really wanted to write song lyrics..... they can be like books.  they tell stories.  They have a beginning, middle and an end.  Much like a book.  They paint pictures.  Create images.  Leave lasting impressions and make you think.  Like books.  They have a lot in common.

that's it from me... short and sweet.

Five Foods

I was almost tempted to write about 5 foods I don't like, but then I wasn't sure there were 5 because I like almost all foods.  There are only a couple things I refuse to eat, both of those ethnic things and I'm not into Thai food.  I don't like all the coconut and sweet crap.  And I don't really have a fondness for red pizza.  That because I got food poisoning once from the tomato sauce, which I'm not crazy about either.  Give me high fat, creamy cheesy anyday.  I love BBQ pizza.  Hey that just about covers my non foods...onto better things.

1.  Prime rib with yorkshire pudding- normally a holiday meal for most people.  We had it more often.  Not always with the pudding.  If you don't  know what the pudding is, it's simply popover batter poured into the drippings of the meat fat and baked after the meat comes out.  What you end up with is a light fluffy pan of dough that is flavored by the fat and meat and the best thing ever.  I usually dive for that first. I like the crispy edges.  If you ever eat here, I'll make it for you.... yum.  This would include rib eye steaks too, on the grill, medium rare.  Served with #4.

2.  Pie- mincemeat at the top of the list... my own, from scratch.  Mincemeat gets a bad rap because #1 it sounds gross and people recall hearing about it back eons ago when it was made with meat... and suet.  All it is are apples, raisins and spices thickened with cornstarch and a splash of brandy.  I make good pie crust, I learned from my granny.  Half the battle to pie is the crust. No, 99%.

3.  Anything my granny cooked- yeah, I know.... but the top two are apple strudel and fried potatoes, always cooked in bacon grease.  The best.  Every house should have a bacon grease cup.

4.  Potatoes- mashed, fried, dumplings I don't care... I love them.  I don't eat them as often as I used to, but I love them.

5.  Fried chicken- mine.  No explanation required.

I love so many different things, food for me evokes so many memories, as I'm sure it does everyone.  I love BBQ, gumbo and pilau.  I love liver and onions.  Noodle kugel and deviled eggs.  I love eggs.  I don't eat french toast, pancakes or waffles.  I didn't grow up on it.  I love toast, dunked in coffee.  I love homemade yeast doughnuts and fried dough.  That was always a fall treat growing up.  When I lived in No. Fla. I used to fry dough for my neighbors girls for Halloween... they loved it.  So did we grown ups.  I always cooked it outside in my Moms old electric frying pan.  The best.  I love stone crabs and mangrove snapper, fresh dolphin and sea bass.  I love love love Maine lobster, must be eaten in Maine... with lots of butter.  I love butter, cheese and all things dairy.  I love veggies.  Cashews and raisins.  I love my marinated grilled lamb, coveted by many.... when I have company, this is something they expect to be served.  If you don't like lamb, you'll love this... cuz ya don't know what you're eating.  It doesn't say Baaaa!!!  I love food.  Period.  End of discussion.   I gotta go clean up a sermon for a friend.... I'm done and now hungry.

There are places I'll remember,

All my life, though some have changed
some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all.


I make my list over and over in my head, always repeating the same few, while adding and removing some others.  Reasons why, I don't know.  6 places.... I laugh to myself.  I think anatomical?  Geographical?  Local, Far away, the daily grind places.  Then I tell myself it doesn't matter.  Just stop thinking and write em down.

1.  My back.  I love my back.  We all have things we don't like about our appearance.  Sometimes we're hard pressed to state something we love about our outward appearance.  But I do, love my back.  I like the way it looks, long muscular (in a girlie way) and the way it curves right in the places it's supposed to.  It's tan, there are freckles than dot my shoulders.  My shoulders are wide and my upper back broad compared to my tiny frame.  But not too wide, just enough for carrying, working and of course swimming.

2.  The ocean of south Florida.  My beach here.  My home, my space, my peace, my church, refuge.  It is holy and sacred.  The color of the water goes beyond my ability to describe, only to say close your eyes and imagine every blue and green in the spectrum and more... that is the  water.  It changes in a moment.  Even when rough and angry, she is still beautiful and it seems that during those times is when she vomits up the most beautiful of her gifts.  She is unpredictable, dangerous, calm and she can take your life, while at the same time giving it.

3.  Marilla, New York  the tiny no town, place I was born.  On a farm in a very rural area in western New York State.  Outside of Buffalo.  I grew up steeped in my eastern european culture, where people still farmed with horses.  My first 4 years of school I went to a 4 room school house.  We all pretty much dressed the same, ate similar foods and there was a certain standard of ethic there.  There was also a tremendous amount of fun, laughter and love.  There is nothing so sweet as getting squirted in the face by your Grandpa milking a cow, telling you to get busy.  I love that place.  When my parents uprooted me from there, part of my world crashed.

4.  Austin, Texas-  I find it ironic we all have links to Texas.  How weird is that?  It really struck me after reading Beth's post, not knowing she too had lived there.  I went to Baylor.  There I developed a love of a lot of places in Eastern Tx.  But I love Austin, the food, Zilker Park, the river, it was always so clean to me.  It was "the" place we went to to get away.  Not to Padre, not to my room mates Moms to crash for the weekend.... No, Austin was more adult like to us. I can't explain it any better than that.  Second on that list is San Antonio... another town I love, learned to love.... having spent time there too.

5.  Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  Hell the whole state, throw Montana in there too.  My first experience at the beauty of fly fishing and real mountains... that weren't in Colorado.  Jackson has a different swing.  The elevation is mood altering, you never get tired and never want to sleep.  And you can get a hell of a sun burn there.  While it has more than it's share of tourism, I have met some of the nicest people there in the world.  The locals are earthy, friendly and welcoming. The water temperature is bone numbing and not one day goes by you don't have to hit the brakes to let some other worldly creature cross the road.  People there love that place and it is treated with love and care.  My heart did a great deal of healing there after Gary died.  It is and always will be one of my favorite places ever.

6.  I want to say here, my home, that's a given though.  Virginia...  I love Williamsburg, Beth lives close by.  I almost went to William and Mary (sometimes I still wish I had).  Fred-burg, the best coffee shop and sweet roll place in the world.  A  drug store that still has a lunch counter, you can get cream cheese and olive sandwiches on homemade bread and a real ice cream float or milkshake.  You can walk.  It's historic.  The churches are amazing and again, the people are so very different.  And then, there is the family farm outside Culpeper.... a place I love so much.... my tree, my room, my horse.  The creek, old quilts to lay under the tree and sleep.  Homemade ice cream and biscuits with real honey from the man down in town.  Agnes, the 80 something girdle wearing, whiskey sipping bridge playing friend of dead man walkings Mom.  A legend in her own right.... you don't need a snowblower when Agnes comes to the house... she plows her own path, refuses to use the shoveled sidewalk up to the door and needs some tea (always served with a shot glass) to warm up, while she stands in the foyer shaking the snow out of her undergarments... mumbling under her breath, while we are stand and laugh.  Gentile.... not a chance. The illusion of maybe... but I wouldn't mess with her.

Those are my places, as they stand at this moment.  In a half  hour I could change my mind.  There are so many places that mean something to me, something more than just a place to visit or where a friend lives or a vacation was had.  The list is too long.... and yeah, while I still grossly dislike northern Florida, my heart still aches for our farm there and my husband, our animals and our way of life.  But I am not an inlander, and this is my home.  The water.  I spent my life here, after my parents yanked me from the security of where I was born.  My mother said to me once, we are water people.  Indeed I am.