Love

Sometimes love looks different when your older...

I got this note today, that he asked me this morning to remind him to tell me of something he thought of at 4:30 a.m driving home from taking his son to the airport.  He said it was about he and I.  Us he said.  I really didn't know what to expect.

What I got surprised me


 **Ok, this is kinda heavy duty(at least for me it was)-I was thinking how great it was that we got back in touch and how wonderful you are to me and what a cruel twist of fate it would be that now I finally found my happiness and just as we're to get together all the stuff you're fighting with in your physical life snatches you away from! It freaked me out and I got to talking to God about "it ain't right after all I've put up with and all you've been through too! It was just such a scarey thought!**


We talked a little about it after he sent that.  He was afraid to say anything because he worried that I would badly of his projecting my death.. I said oh you know me better.

I asked him what God said back to him.. after he signed off and went to sleep. In the morning there will likely be an answer..

My response to him was in part things we had already talked about, but in fragments... why after all these years.. and how it was a gift for both of us.  It's not only the remembering what was then, but that there is love that never changes... I loved that boy..all those years ago... and because of both our lives, while in tandem were going to end up going in different directions.. there was a peaceful parting.  I talked to him before I got married to tell him. He was happy for me.  

There was always a place of residence in my heart for him... just because... it was that unconditional love that is so rare and so hard to find and truly is a gift.  And that is what we have today.  That no matter, we still have that.

What prompted that fear thought was that my kidneys were in trouble last week, I had a rough week.  I didn't tell him, but mentioned something last night about having a meltdown, to which he inquired the nature thereof, and I could never lie to this guy, I can't soft soap or fool him.... that's how well he knows me.  And how well I know him.
I just hit the highlights, but he's smart enough to know what it all meant.  Thus his thought process this morning and getting little sleep too.

And for love... I don't know..not anymore.  I thank God this man, that boy who I fell so hard for so many years ago, is a man who talks to God... and who listens.  He was a gift then and he still is.  It is that.. one thing that in life, is unconditional.  Like God's love for us, that we have so much trouble accepting... so many people can't even look at it... for fear they are not worthy.  If I am loved by God as I know that I am, then I can turn with that love to someone else, and give them that very same thing.  That's is what we are called to do.  I didn't say it was easy... but it's a gift... and when you ask God for something and he hands you a box wrapped up all neatly and lovely... and your hands are open and receiving. And he places that gift in your hands and says to you..here's the deal...  he's part of the package.  It does give you pause... oh yes it does... but oh is it worth it.. yes. On both.

Things

Things... the word for the week... and I sit here laughing at how many times I have thought of that word this past week.

Things imply to me a word of broad coverage... somewhat equal to "stuff"... we use things as a word to described almost any"thing".  "How are things?"  One day I will say "Which things?"  There are many things.

There are things we have, treasures, trinkets, clothes, shoes, dishes, tangible things.

Then there are the semi tangible.. in the realm of stuff... things that we deal with, think, have to do, don't want to do, are asked about, don't talk about.  Just things... things we put off, set aside or simply ignore.

Sometimes people treat others as things.  Yes, and we have all done it... we look at them and think; "you are just one more thing."  Moreover, we look at ourselves and say those exact same words... knowing fully well, that we are that one thing that needs the most and gets the least.  Because  of stuff... things.  We include ourselves quite often in the scheme of things.  

And how many times have we used:

Things didn't quite go the way I planned..

I couldn't/didn't/ et al because I had things to......

Some things don't matter  (and yes they do, those things matter the most)

I just had things to do and didn't get to...

Things aren't looking good...

I have no thing to wear, eat, do, say, fill in your own blank

The list is endless... what's on your mind?  Oh stuff.. things...   really?  And what things are those?

Please elaborate on your things.... sometimes when you do, you get a little peek inside yourself.

And suddenly things take on a different appearance.

The Waiting Is The ...........

                      Waiting

For a while I waited for myself to catch up to me... I was trailing or dragging far behind myself.  I caught up. Then found myself waiting again. Not sure what for, just in wait.

Historically, I have never been patient.. one of the things my Rector and I discussed privately while I was going through discernment 12 years ago was my need to slow it down... and I had already slowed down... but to gear down even more.  That I have done.  Patience in waiting pays off. 

It helped me sit still for two years waiting for my house to sell, so I could move back home, the first year spent in dread that I would die up there like everyone else did.  But the voice said Trust me, so I did... and while waiting there were still things I needed to learn, to accept.  To look at.  

I waited to get well.. a long time... this last year has been the hardest, not only with the health things but personal issues as well... and those too require patient waiting and to simply stand still and stand right in the middle of it all.

And life to me often looked like this

no end in sight....

I am still struggling with some things and I understanding it entails waiting. But I grow weary in the wait... the waiting wears me thin now.  And I am not part of it.  A couple weeks ago, my college boyfriend contacted me... he was the almost... things for us didn't work out at that time. We parted on good terms.  I actually kept his photos even after I got married... I find out now he kept my letters and comics I would send him.  It is as no time has passed.  It's been almost 40 years.  He retired from the military two years ago.  I have always held a special place for him in my heart.  Yes, I do love him still... in a different yet better way than when we were younger.  And again, I wait.  He's going to come here.  He has things to settle where he lives up north.  I imagine he will visit first, that would be wise. And  I wait for that.  I wait with anticipation  that there is someone who remembers me, who knows me, and loves me for who I am.  In the same way I love him.  I don't know what will happen.  Sometimes we wait, and our waiting is in vain.  Me, I tend to say life is short and don't wait... yet I can't hold onto my own words. Not when I let them slip through my hands.  That is my own doing, and waiting to remedy that will do me absolutely no good.  So while waiting I will still move forward in the direction I feel I am being led.  That is what I was waiting for, that sign post that said, "this way" with a fat arrow.  I got that.  And more.  I am not patient. But I know how to wait.  And like it or not, it is one common thing we all share.

The Clock On The Wall

I am swaddled in warm blankets like a mummy or a corpse there somewhere adrift, unsure of where.
I am neither awake nor asleep. I hear a quiet voice speak to me, call me by name.  "Lori, wake up."
I feel her hand on my head, warm and soft.  "Lori, open your eyes."  I lay there trying, knowing that I am in there somewhere, but I am cocooned and warm in that place.  My eyes slowly open to see her there close to me, a tear runs down my cheek.  "You're in the hospital.  You had to have surgery.  Are you in any pain?"  I shake my head no. I cannot move, all I want is ice chips, she tells me its too soon.  Another tear.  There is only she and I in the recovery room.   I look at the wall and the clock stares back at me.  It's 10:30pm.  That same tear still trickles slowly down my cheek, as I realized through that fog that I am utterly alone.

                                      TBC


Dave Matthews: "Take Me to Tomorrow" (Fretboard Journal photo shoot) from fretboardjournal on Vimeo.

This just in...... sort of

My friend Lynda posted this, which she says she normally doesn't do, and she doesn't but it spoke to her and seemed right to post. 

It hit me over the head too.. so I'm slapping it up here in case you haven't seen it before.  Maybe it'll turn on a couple of lights in some unlit corners in our lives.

I usually don't post quotes and the like because so many people do but I was thinking of people who are heroes and saw this:

“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.” **Ayn Rand 

"So many roads"...Jerry Garcia

Yup, I'm thinking the same thing.

                                                                      

                                                                  crave

I mentioned to Diane that the word for the week carve, kept popping in my mind as curve.  And tonight sitting here staring at a photo I had slapped up here, I decided crave fit too.  

Then I realized I don't have a blessed thing to say about any of them.  At least not thus far and wouldn't count on anything coming in the near future.

Crave, yes I crave peace.  I crave well being.  And I crave solitude.  

End of story