The Waiting Is The ...........

                      Waiting

For a while I waited for myself to catch up to me... I was trailing or dragging far behind myself.  I caught up. Then found myself waiting again. Not sure what for, just in wait.

Historically, I have never been patient.. one of the things my Rector and I discussed privately while I was going through discernment 12 years ago was my need to slow it down... and I had already slowed down... but to gear down even more.  That I have done.  Patience in waiting pays off. 

It helped me sit still for two years waiting for my house to sell, so I could move back home, the first year spent in dread that I would die up there like everyone else did.  But the voice said Trust me, so I did... and while waiting there were still things I needed to learn, to accept.  To look at.  

I waited to get well.. a long time... this last year has been the hardest, not only with the health things but personal issues as well... and those too require patient waiting and to simply stand still and stand right in the middle of it all.

And life to me often looked like this

no end in sight....

I am still struggling with some things and I understanding it entails waiting. But I grow weary in the wait... the waiting wears me thin now.  And I am not part of it.  A couple weeks ago, my college boyfriend contacted me... he was the almost... things for us didn't work out at that time. We parted on good terms.  I actually kept his photos even after I got married... I find out now he kept my letters and comics I would send him.  It is as no time has passed.  It's been almost 40 years.  He retired from the military two years ago.  I have always held a special place for him in my heart.  Yes, I do love him still... in a different yet better way than when we were younger.  And again, I wait.  He's going to come here.  He has things to settle where he lives up north.  I imagine he will visit first, that would be wise. And  I wait for that.  I wait with anticipation  that there is someone who remembers me, who knows me, and loves me for who I am.  In the same way I love him.  I don't know what will happen.  Sometimes we wait, and our waiting is in vain.  Me, I tend to say life is short and don't wait... yet I can't hold onto my own words. Not when I let them slip through my hands.  That is my own doing, and waiting to remedy that will do me absolutely no good.  So while waiting I will still move forward in the direction I feel I am being led.  That is what I was waiting for, that sign post that said, "this way" with a fat arrow.  I got that.  And more.  I am not patient. But I know how to wait.  And like it or not, it is one common thing we all share.