Why-What-How and all the rest is commentary

Why I Write?


It's what I do.   Every single day, sometimes several times a day.  I journal and have since I can remember.   To me there is nothing like a paper and a pen... nothing takes the place of that.  Nothing.
I always keep two going in tandem.  I write I suppose for the reasons people who tend to be introspective and contemplative do.  I pound things out.  I dump.  I rant, rave, emote, detail, dissect, ponder, and when I'm done, I usually do it all again.  I don't ruminate as badly as I used to.  I think the older you get, the more you let go of.  Your focus narrows on what's really important to you alone.  For me, it helps keep me focused, balanced and centered which is very important to me.  It keeps me tuned in spiritually.  Writing and the water... pretty much says it all.  It's a place for me to speak my truth and honor who I am.  And it gives me a deeper understanding in places that at times, I may fall short.  Keeps me tuned.

What do I expect?


I don't have any expectations from myself, let me restate that. I don't enjoy typing as a method of communication.  So this is a little challenging for me.  Umm... but too, I miss the circle that we formed back whenever... sharing and learning from each other.  Friends... we become along the way.  And to continue that process is probably something we all need.  We might need a little deeper and personal than what we ate for dinner on facebook.  Oh and it'll give us a nice space in which we can all pull our proverbial pants done, show our backsides, and not fear being judged.  Because we're all the same.

How it makes me feel?


Unsure how to answer that one... I'm pretty up front about most things.  I'm kind of a no bull shit person.
On the other hand I am also very private and believe it or not, quiet.  Most of you guys know me fairly well enough to know how I am.  I make jokes and use humor to defray stress a great  of the time.  It helps hide my fear or anxiety.  Most of the time, I am funny... at least to myself.  I am at a place in my life, where I don't care much about what other people think.... the only thing that sits front and center for me, is my relationship with Papa.  I try to keep that in front of me.  Always.  I don't deny my feelings, I just need some major reminders at times that "they" don't matter.  I  do...  I matter, to me and to God.  Enough said on that.

Why have I fallen out of practice?


Number of reasons, I had a blog.. dumped it.  Started another one after talking with Diane about it... but had other things going on which took my attention and were priority rather than sitting and typing.  I was still journalling, I just couldn't park my can to blog.  I was teaching, so the work I did on the computer was usually class related and the last thing I wanted to do was type more.  And I started playing guitar again, which as you guys know, music is a passion and playing was such a beautiful outlet for me.... it's a real "feel good" thing.  I was dealing with health issues.  Serious ones.  I was living in a place I hated, put my house on the market and took two years, but it sold and I moved back home.  Being home.... the water... my church....  I didn't "need" to blog.... I didn't even really read them... I'd read a few here and there.... but I just wasn't into it.  And still dealing with some health issues... that can be at times (she chuckles crazily under her breath and groans) disgusting, and damn irritating to me... and yeah, they are life threatening... but they annoy the crap out me.  No, the Dr's annoy the crap out of me.  End of rant.

Doing it professionally/vs fun?


Oh no, this is brief..... neither.  Not professionally.... and I wouldn't say fun.... I  would more for the connection.... keeps the loop together.

Hiding from my real life?


How could I possibly hide from my life?  Nope.  Not  a chance....  I am laughing.  What is my real life?
Who  I am really?  What am I doing here?  Should I go left or right?  Speak or stay silent?  Do these pant make me look like I have any butt at all?  yeah.... I'm hiding out for sure.

And so friends, in closing... I'll only say I'm happy we're doing this.... think it's a good thing.  For all of us.

The Reading Garden, Biloxi Miss.

Time

Today I walk the beach thinking about how much time has gone by since my last post.  (2009)  Not only that, but that this is my second blog.  I dumped the first one.  But then I go back in my mind and remember how long we have known each other... and all the things we have been through and how things have changed.  I was still in grad school.  Seems to me,  I remember Diane coaxing me to start blogging again so I did.  I was teaching and still living in that place I hated so much.  Then I decide to start playing guitar again, I found I could play again without my hands giving me hell.  And music is a passion for me.  It has saved me, many a time.

I remember Ginny before she was even pregnant with Sam.  And he is now, what?  Six, I think... five or six.  Rachel's cemetery posts and the gator shots.  Mindy's cow photos.  Diane's swamp and door shots...  Penni quoting Merton (for certain).  My friday night photo on Bono.  Diane's butt crack shots from Shrove Tuesday parade.  Rachel and Jackson getting a new house... Mindy getting a house.
We have married off children, buried loved ones, moved, lost weight, gained weight, fallen in and out love.  And we are all older and wiser.  For the most part.  I remember Julie, Ginny and Diane hand holding me when I was sick.  And I thank you for that.  Many long phone conversations with Diane... sharing each others burdens, delighting in our joys... all of that.   After another health crisis that catapulted me to get off my a** and put my house on the market and come home.  I did not want to die there, in that place I hated... I wanted to come home.  I waited two years for my house to sell... I remember Diane saying to me, "I don't think I could have sat patiently the way you did."  That was part of my lesson, along with many other things... patience and trusting that when God tells you he's going to do something, he does it.  In his time...  I sold, bought and moved back home in three weeks.  It made my head spin.
I sit here tonight on my porch looking at the sun setting.  Thinking about things now... Mindy my love... your support and sisterhood is a treasure.  You know, you are all treasures to me... most of us have never met... yet look at us... after all this time... we are still here... together.  Time.  I don't about mine, it doesn't matter to me.  I still have things to do.  We all do.  My friends boyfriend said me, there's no time like now.  Yes, Walt, you're right.
I didn't look at the prompt really because this was in my head to say.  And why I want to do this?  Does it matter?  Because we are all, like it or not, inextricably linked.  Think about it.  We have been very away from each other at all.  Why is that? What do you think?

Back in the saddle

well, my last post was dated 2009. It is July 2011. Wonder what that says.... many things have happened since then... most of it good. So since our little now collective, long time friends here are on face book together; Annie in her infinite wisdom decides we should group and start blogging again. You know I think it's a good idea. For me, now, where I am and in many ways, this will be good for me. So thanks Annie... as always... and I need to work on making some changes obviously too... just hope I don't break something. It's been a while, so patience is appreciated. I am looking forward to this. This is a good thing.

Friday Gripe List

I thought I'd sit here with a timer and see how many gripes I can crank out in less than five minutes.

Ready, set.........go!

friends who ask you to pray for them but don't tell you what for because they want to know what you're praying for them for.... to check to see if they're.... what? Correct? In alignment with God's will? If I am over here with a magic 8 ball and a ouija board? All of the above. (that's a whole other post I will have to write)

cousin and friend trade in perfectly decent and comfortable Mercedes to buy a piece of crap BMW and Porsche SUV respectively. Neither of which are comfortable to ride in. Like sitting on a bag of rocks. I just don't get it.....

someone who constantly asks me to do something, sets date and time and then fails to not only show up but no phone call either. What's up with that crap?

people who go to work sick, or drag their kids out when they're sick... I know I am old school, but back in the dark ages, when I was a floor nurse in the hospital, you didn't come to work sick. And if you did, you were sent home, with a stern warning.

as usual my bi-weekly visit to grocery that doesn't ever go well. Like I said to manager, if shelf is empty...someone must have bought the stuff. Right? Makes sense? So what's the problem with reordering? This is third week in a row. Three strikes and you're out.

me always forgetting to write things down to ask Annie about in photoshop. I just made a list.

people who forget that when you get good, you also get bad......and that YOU are the one that determines in your own little pea brain which is good and which is bad for" you", and therefore the rest of the planet must align themselves with your values.......... get a frigging grip on yourself.

times up
I'm outta here.

Yahrzeit

I haven't posted since forever, between the holidays and day to day life, times just whizzes by.

Yesterday was the 1o year anniversary of my hubby's death.  A decade.  Decade sounds more significant, at least in my head.

I spent the day in my relatively normal fashion, whatever that means.  Had my haircut.  Dodging the flooding rains we've been having.  Went to grocery.  Cooked.  You know normal.

The evening brings a different picture.  When the sun goes down, the candlelight becomes more evident.  I sit and read the prayers.  I say Kaddish, like I do every year.  I read from the Gates of Prayer, if only to remind myself that it is in living that we best serve and honor those who have left us.  It is what we are called to do, to remember; being grateful for the memories and to live, as though they were still among us.  We consider all these that we have been blessed with and we are filled with gratitude.  That is the intent.  It fills me with peace.  I close my book and sit a moment and smile.  I feel rested.

Sometime last fall, the approaching decade mark hit my radar.  I felt it was the beginning of a turning point for me, and has continued to evolve that way.  When I went home for Easter and sat in the new sanctuary for the Good Friday evening Taize service, I realized they had reversed the interior.  What used to be the back was now the altar and vice versa.  I sat there, again in the candlelight, and looked behind me, remembering all that had transpired "back there" but that I was now facing a different direction.  I was very aware of this change and the change within myself as well.  When I was leaving, I told Fr. I had come, "just for this."  Just for that moment.  

Yesterday morning in my quiet time, I prayed my same opening, thankful for a day unlike any other.  Each day, while seeming the same to us, routine and for some boring, is a day unlike any other.  When you can look through your day that way, a decade becomes a blink. Like taking a breath.

Implications

Funny thing the other morning me thinking about how we fail to consider what we do always has an effect somewhere along the line.  On ourselves, others or both.  

And we do it in both speech or action.  Not fully appreciating what exactly others see or hear.

How difficult is it for us to match our words and our actions?  Try paying attention to that for a while and see what happens.  It's like observing your own thoughts.  Bystanders beware!