Flat Out

                   

                                 Throw'd Off and flat out.........

Most of us know those words.... we use flat out a lot.  Laid up is another.  Laid up in the bed. Squalling.  Setting on the porch.  I'm always "fixing to..."  after I reckon something.
I thought about the list too.  Like Mindy's.  
Things have been flat out and throw'd for a while.  Too long.  Word prompts sometimes press a button with me.  Intertwined pushed me over the edge I was teetering on.  Throw'd off and flat out for 4 or 5 days, enough for me to tell my Dr. my concern about my well being.
My mental health.  My spiritual life went to hell months ago.  It's getting better.  
I needed another round of stems.  I caved in and let them put a line in.  It was a good choice this time.  Cramped my water time, but the weather turned as foul as my mood and it didn't matter.  They pulled my line this past friday.  
I'm tired.  Still.... weary.  
I'm tired of people I love and care about getting sick. 
Tired of people I love and care about dying.  2 suicides in a month.
Tired of bitchy judgmental women.
Shame, fear, punishment and guilt.
Tired of grief.
Tired of the disgusted feeling I have when I look at my kitchen table and all the things piled up there and I am too paralyzed to clear it off.  Ditto the computer desk.
Tired of getting blind sided by crap... and it is just that-crap. Nonsense.
Tired of feeling sad.
Tired.  

I read things that give me some pause.  Diane's John numbering the days..... reminds me of the Psalm... then I think counting is a good thing.  

And the day my intertwined rope with the ball on the end of tangled mess just flat out fell off, after I had asked Papa something... I thought damn, fast answer.  I could see the ends of this beautiful twist looked like they had been cut.  And it was then realized the door had opened.  I had let go of some of the things that throw'd me off in my relationship with the old boyfriend.  I let him go... I had been busy building walls to protect myself.... another distraction to keep me from doing what I needed to be doing.  The insistent debate in my head over staying here or going to Virginia or both.  Not wanting to be here.  Not wanting to be here at all... not wanting to be anywhere.  Not wanting to be.  

Yet knowing somehow that no matter how many times I get throw'd off, I get back up.  Even if only to my knees.  I'm not so eager to stand anymore when my self tells me sit.  
Reading last weeks notes from everyone pressed my sense of frustration, not with myself, but for you all.  Because we all have a voice and we all need to be heard.  Especially when it comes to our bodies and choices in health care.  The decisions we make have long term effects.  There are options and like every thing else we have a right to say No.  And if we say yes, we have a right to change our minds.  One of my close friends here messaged me the other night, she's having surgery this week in Tampa, same as Diane.  They found it when they took her appendix out.. which wasn't her appendix it was a tumor.  

I'm rambling, I don't care.  It's as much as I can spit out without falling apart yet again.